I Told Myself

I’d sleep early tonight having slept at almost 3AM the previous evening but here I am still wide awake at 1AM.

I’d study but I haven’t made much progress on our learning objectives.

I’d finish a book in less than a week but I have already opened about four books and I have finished not a single one of them.

I’d be the best student before starting medical school and here I am barely able to finish the school year successfully.

I’ve had this recent conversation with a new friend about my terrible sleeping habits to which she said, “That’s alright. See, your sleepless nights paid off. You passed. (n.v.)”

After we were told who passed the removal and who didn’t, I felt an enormous sense of relief. I was proceeding to second year. At the same time, I couldn’t quite celebrate to the full knowing that my friend was in danger of repeating the year level. I felt a little guilty, to be honest. The people who were in the same boat as my friend, I thought, did better than me and deserved to be promoted to second year. I felt terrible to the point that I questioned if I deserved the verdict given me when others deserved it better. It took me awhile to realize that I worked hard, too. I slept late and studied as much as I can inspite of myself (because really who would want to study something that was discussed at the beginning of the school year?).

She was right though: those sleepless nights did pay off. I sowed hard and long and the harvest was successful.

I remember having this conversation with a famous online figure in our country before the beginning of medical school.

I remember the excitement and thrill of entering medical school completely oblivious of what it had in store for me. I remember the idealistic starry-eyed girl who wanted to be this kind-hearted doctor willing to help and serve those in need. Little did she know how easily failure and disappointment would throw those ideals out of the window and make her want to jump ship.

The school year’s over and I’m still on the process of figuring things out again. Why am I in medical school? Why should I continue? What kind of doctor do I want to be? are still some of the questions I ask myself these days. I haven’t found my answers yet but the impulse to quit isn’t as strong as it was before. That’s progress, I suppose- better than waking up everyday wishing I was someplace else. One thing that’s become clear to me though is that God has kept me in this city and brought me in this college and it is only by His grace that I survived the first year.

God, I’m not sure I like the path You’ve set out for me but I also realize the danger in going my own way. Time and time again You have proved to me that You know better than I and it is only wise that I trust Your guidance. Lord, if this is where You really want me to be, please give me joy as I go through the process of becoming the person You intend me to be. This is my prayer, Amen.


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