Lately, I have been living aimlessly. I go about the week performing routines like a programmed machine: wake up, go to school, try to study, get distracted, study again, and (when I have exhausted myself) sleep. The cycle goes on. But of course, I am no heartless machine. I am not not numb to the ennui hovering above me like a cloud.
When I was in high school, I found the book Purpose Driven Life odd because I couldn’t understand what made the question What on earth am I here for? so important. In retrospect, high school me with all her hobbies and extra-curricular activities, friends, and above average class standing wouldn’t understand. Heck, she didn’t even have to bother thinking about her future. Life’s purpose was tied to the present and happiness (or at least satisfaction) came with it.
Now that I find myself in a different scenario- hobbies and extracurricular activities gone, friends drifting off to different places, and a depressing class standing- I find it difficult to navigate, let alone escape, the murky waters of uncertainty and discouragement. Never before has the question What on earth am I here for? so loud and haunting and I am desperate for an answer. I have written before that what I needed most is something – a reason or purpose – to hold on to. Something to look forward to as I strive to run the journey that is medical school. But today I realized how utterly selfish it was of me to seek pleasure for my own sake.
I am a Christian.
Having been saved by Christ, I do not belong to myself anymore.
I belong body and soul to my saviour Jesus Christ who died to set me free.
It doesn’t matter where I am.
It doesn’t matter what I do.
It doesn’t matter where I go.
My life’s purpose is to bring glory to God wherever I am.
That is the only thing that matters.