I’m not sure how this entry is going to turn out but I’m just going to go ahead and write and see how this goes.
I’ve been watching Scrubs these past few days and I’ve been really wanting to share my thoughts and insights on the said series but for some reason every time I go on WordPress, all I end up doing is look at my site, scroll through my recent posts, scroll through my unpublished entries, and stare at the blinking cursor on the blank page until I finally decide to click the exit button out of frustration because nothing’s coming out. I’m not sure what’s wrong but even my habit of typing short notes on my cellphone is affected.
Maybe it’s because I uninstalled a game I’ve been hooked on the other day and right now, when I look at my phone, instead of doing the newly acquired habit of checking the game every now and then, I am left with just looking at my phone screen and wondering what to do now that the game is gone.
I’m not really sure where all of this is coming from but I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to admit that my heart is heavy and I feel sad. Maybe it’s because I had expectations and reality didn’t quite match with what I had in mind. Sometimes with all the things you said, with what distance you’ve fared, with what things you’ve known and become a part of, you start thinking that perhaps you are something. More than that, you begin to believe that you really are something. And when it doesn’t turn out the way you expected it to, you lose interest and consider the alternative.
And that hurts.
God has these effective and painful ways of keeping our hearts in check and that was one way of checking mine: reminding me that I am not as important as I thought I was. Perhaps my motives were wrong from the very beginning. I’m still in the process of figuring that out but I already have my suspicions. Sometimes the truth could be staring at us right in the face and we don’t realize it. And there are other times where we do see the truth as it is but we refuse to acknowledge it in the vain attempt of salvaging what little pride there is left in us.
I think the Lord is determined to crush what pride- regardless the size- I have in me.