It has been three days since I graduated from college and I’m beginning to dread the coming days that I will be spending at home doing nothing particularly relevant with my life. Ok, I guess that’s a little extreme, but for as long as I can remember, I always had stuff to do during the summer break that I never worried about staying at home. Now it’s different. The thought of spending an entire day sleeping in and binge watching TV series encourages me to apply for a part time job.
So, yes. I’m (beginning to get) bored and unemployed.
The result of my medschool application is taking long and I wait. Because what else is there to do? As much as I would like to begin planning out what I intend to do in the coming months of my life, everything else pretty much hinges upon the result of my application and as such, there is really nothing much to do but wait and pray and wait.
As much as I am looking forward to medschool, I will admit that I am afraid: afraid of what it will ask of me, afraid of what it will make me. There are times when I imagine myself in medschool and I am afraid of the person I could become. I am afraid of the relationships I have invested in and how easily I can let go when it comes to it. I’m not saying it is going to happen or that I will do it but what I do know is that I am capable of doing it and that scares me so much.
I’ve been avoiding writing lately. I’ve been avoiding silence. I do it because settling down meant thinking and thinking meant recounting events and coming to terms with issues, people, decisions, mistakes, etc. If I could, I would like to get away. Even for just a while. This entire thing has pushed me out and far… farther than I have ever been and frankly speaking, I don’t like it. It is uncomfortable. I didn’t know caring entailed this. I was fine inside my own bubble and just extending my hand whenever necessary. Now I have been forced to go out and reach out and actually be there and be vulnerable in the process. I am inconvenienced. I am afraid. Very much. I wish to run away. To escape. To return to that comfortable place. Alone… Safe… But I am commanded to do better, to act better, to love better. And so I must endure this post even though it is unnatural for me.
I wrote a blogpost in the past about how love is an incredible thing that pushes people out of their comfort zones just to make things better for the other person. I even talked about how inconvenient loving a person is but it is in the risk that we find love’s true meaning.
With this situation on hand I realize: who was I kidding? I didn’t know love at all! Everything in me screams the opposite of what I wrote about love. I have even come to the point where I ask myself if this is what real friendship looks like because this terrain I am in is unfamiliar and I have never been pushed this much to give and invest to the point of exhaustion. Sometimes I find myself answering the questions in my head but most of the time I’m too scared to even ask and I am left with all these feelings of obligation and repulsion. And I am reminded again to hold on a little longer… to hope for that saving light at the end of this seemingly endless and torturous tunnel.
Perhaps this is training for the life I will face ahead of me. Many times I wonder why this had to happen now. Now that undergraduate school has finally come to a close. Now that my friends and I are beginning to forge different paths for ourselves. Now that my influence and relevance over their lives is beginning to dwindle until I am no more than a memory, a recurring face in the their recollections of the past.
I have a lot to learn.